The long-distance relations with no end in sight
Can love find a way for these same-sex couples who have been forced into long-distance relationships?
Three years ago, Taiwanese Josie found a job and moved to Singapore to be with her girlfriend, so they wouldn’t have to be in long-distance relationship any longer. Her girlfriend’s family, however, was not-at-all supportive; they regarded Josie as an “outsider”, a “bad company” that’s making their daughter “sick”.
Despite the hurdles, Josie pressed on. “I often find myself asking for advice on how I could make my girlfriend’s family accept me,” she said. “I was told time helps, but I could not see the light at the tunnel.” To make the matter worse, the travel company that Josie worked in was badly affected by the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic and she was asked to take up other work responsibilities which she didn’t enjoy.
Feeling lost and unhappy, Josie decided to head home in December 2020, not knowing when she would be able to return. “I don’t even know if I could change anything by coming back,” she added. “Living apart pains me, but undergoing the entire job hunt and visa application again would be painstaking. I am not hopeful at all as the pandemic persists.”
Coincidentally, Dwayne, a Singaporean residing locally with his American husband, Nich had also shared with me a similar story. “We have a close friend whose boyfriend was based in Australia,” he said.
“They were dating for a year and saw each other probably once right before the pandemic broke out. They tried to hold onto their relationship for one more year. It wasn’t supposed to be pressurising, but the distance and uncertainties brought about by COVID-19 just exacerbated it. It’s a huge investment for couples, be it same-sex or not, to live separately.”
When long-distance isn’t a choice
Taiwan is the only place that legalises same-sex marriage in Asia. Still, it’s restricted between two locals or Taiwanese and their foreign partners coming from countries that also recognise same-sex marriages. As a spouse visa will not be granted without a marriage certificate, many transnational gay couples in the continent are forced to stay in a long-distance relationship.
These couples rely on frequent travel or other legal leeways to meet or live together. It’s not uncommon for some to take up underpaying jobs to get a valid work permit or sign up for an additional degree they wouldn’t otherwise need for a student visa.
Beyond interrupting an individual’s personal and career plans, having to take up low-paying jobs or expensive degree for a visa are also straining these couples financially. In many cases, couples who don’t have the privilege to take on the burden may stick with a long-distance relationship and be routinely targeted and questioned by customs officers on their recurring entry into the country, resulting in unnecessary tensions and even detentions.
“I was stopped by a customs officer once while entering Japan,” recalled Sheng Yu, a Taiwanese. “He asked, why are you coming to the country so often? I replied I am here to visit a friend. Wasn’t pleased with my answer, the officer continued, ‘what kind of friend? Is your friend a Taiwanese too?’ I told him, no, he is Japanese, and he is my boyfriend.
I was and am always grateful that he didn’t press on or show a slight distaste about my sexuality. He even mumbled ‘ganbatte’ (good luck) as he returned my passport.” Tian Tian, a Chinese citizen, on the other hand, was repeatedly interrogated by the Taiwan authority. He had to sign documents to prove that he is neither a spy nor he works for the Chinese government and any Chinese telecommunication company.
Although Tian Tian was eventually granted a multiple entry visa, giving him more opportunities to stay with his boyfriend working in Taichung, he still needs to fly from Seoul, Hong Kong, Macau and other Asian cities as the delicate bilateral tie between Taiwan and China fluctuates from time to time.
Just listening to Tian Tian telling me about the hoops he jumped through to keep his relationship alive was emotionally engulfing. Yet, he has been told his story is just “an exaggeration”. “What some people don’t understand is that what I am going through will never end as long as homosexuality is seen as an ‘illness’ in the mainland,” Tian Tian remarked.
Logical and emotional fears
Dwayne and Nich met when they were both University freshmen, and they have been together ever since. While they got married four years ago in the US, Nich could not escape the fate of not being able to obtain a work permit to live in Singapore with Dwayne legally.
“I need to be back in Singapore to serve my scholarship bond,” Dwayne explained. “That means I’d be stationed here for at least a few years and Nich would have to find and maintain a job here. The thought of whether we would be able to live together definitely came up more then once or twice during that period when he was job hunting and making visa applications.”
Indeed, the fear of not being able to reunite never leaves. “In the US, there’s a safety net that same-sex marriages are legitimate, and they are entitled to the same rights as any other couple. In Singapore, that is missing,” said Nich.
“At times, this is a scary thing. Our lives are here, it’d be disruptive to move away from our friends and network of support in the case if I lose my job, or if the local employment visa requirement tightens that I need to move back to the US. It’s really insecure without a safety net” Dwayne and Nich are the few who have temporarily figured out a way to live together but there are still many others who have chosen to live apart with no end in sight.
“We have heard of couples who undergo regular visa runs,” Dwayne said. “Those who don’t have a formal plan have to work out a system to stay together. Someone we knew needed to report to the embassy once every ten days, telling them he was staying in Singapore as a tourist during the pandemic. He could have just flown in and out of the country in the past. It’s a lot stricter now.”
“For Nich and I, things have been relatively smooth sailing thus far,” Dwayne noted. “It does help that he is a US citizen, and I am a Singaporean as we can enter many places in the word visa-free. We have friends holding onto passports that do not grant them such freedom, and applying for a visa can be a long and tedious process if one does so repeatedly within a short time frame.”
Nich’s biggest fear is the physical separation from Dwayne. “I would like to have a home together, live close to each other and involve each other in different parts of our lives,” he said. “For example, before the days of working from home, knowing that we would come home from office every day to see each other and being able to set aside time for each other, really marks the day. That’s why it feels terrible to know some couples have been barred from seeing each other and have to break up as a result.”
Always a tough battle
Sheng Yu thought he wouldn’t blame the homophobic or those who could not digest the idea of living “apart together”. He and his boyfriend met in 2008 at work. They spent the first eight years of their relationship living together in Taiwan before his boyfriend returned to Japan four years ago to take up a job promotion — they have been in a long-distance relationship since.
“I remember this particular Japanese customs officer who was very sceptical and thought I was smuggling drugs into the country,” Sheng Yu said. “He requested to have my luggage opened at the border. Although all my personal belongings, including photos of me and my boyfriend fell out, it took me a long time to convince him.
Surely, there must be a reason for someone entering a country once every few months. It’s not his fault to think I am up to no good, he is just doing his job. Unless you have been through something similar, you would never know how much it takes to keep us together for 12 years and the many more 12 years to come. The ones who are going to stay in touch don’t need a promise.”
Are basic rights too much to ask?
In 2020, the Taiwan Alliance to Promote Civil Partnership Rights (TAPCPR) embarked on an online donation drive called “See You Soon” last year, to raise awareness of the issue. The drive was met with tremendous success and the group managed to gather more than NTD$4 million (estimated SGD195,000) within three months.
In response to this effort, Dwayne said that we might see some flexibility in Singapore if we “take the battle wisely”. For example, he brought up how in 2018, the High Court granted the adoption right to a Singapore doctor and his same sex partner whose biological son was born in the US via a surrogate mother. In addition, Dwayne said he believes in the power of corporations.
Some companies are willing to step up for their employees and work out ways to help their married same-sex partners stay together in a country. It may not be feasible in most instances, particularly in Singapore, but some options can be explored.
“I think we need to be careful what specific changes we are looking for,” said Nich. “Allowing same-sex couples who have married overseas to have the same rights as other married couples in Singapore and living together may still seem a small change versus the complete removal of 377A.”
Since our interview, Nich has returned to the US. Dwayne hasn’t been able to follow along as the new Omicron variant has forced countries to enact new travel restrictions. “Even though we’ve been fortunate so far, our separation will inevitably be prolonged,” Dwayne told me via text before Christmas.
“While this pandemic will one day end for the rest of the world, for us, it will continue for the rest of our lives.”
*This article was originally published on Rice Media on 17 January 2022.
